Bribe Me Please

Indonesian Corruption Watch (ICW) has just announced East Java as the second most corrupt province in Indonesia. The first position belongs to DKI Jakarta.

Upon reading this news, I was greatly saddened. Why does Jakarta always have to be number 1?

We, as the citizens of East Java, have done our best to improve the corruption rate. We've tried to bribe whenever we can. Passport Renewal? ID Card Renewal? You name any type of cards, forms, and letters that require the stamp of government, and you can rest assured that we have, in one way or another, bribed the officials to smoothen the process.

Many departments in our province have also worked hard to beat Jakarta on this race. The article in Jawa Pos has mentioned that the health department and education department in our province have so many loopholes for corruption. So does the procurement department for civil servants (Pegawai Negeri Sipil). Keep up the good work guys!

Unfortunately, there have been some attempts to drop our rank. Take my city, Surabaya, for example. They introduced a drive-thru system for driver license renewal. No corruption opportunity here (at least not yet).

Early this year, they also released a strict no-bribe policy for traffic rules violators. The regulation stated that anyone who attempts to bribe the cops will be imprisoned immediately. There were even a few individuals who have gone to jail because of their ignorance to this policy.

This somehow reminds me of what happened a few weeks ago. I was stopped by a police officer while I was driving. Apparently, I was making an illegal U-Turn. Turns out, you can only make a U-Turn when you’re at the right most lane. I was at the second to right, so a right turn is allowed, but not a U-Turn.

I was so sure that I didn’t make any mistake, that when the police officer stopped me, I was so furious.

Police: Can I see your driver license and registration please?
Me: What have I done, Sir?
Police: You have made an illegal U-Turn, Mam.
Me: But there is a U-Turn sign at the corner and I’m on the lane that can either turn right or go straight. So, it’s a legal turn, Sir. (What a schmuck I was).
Police: Yes, but that lane only allows you to turn right, not U-Turn.
Me: But there is a U-Turn sign, Sir.
Police: Again, can I see your driver license and registration please? And please step aside to our post.
Me: But, I’m innocent, Sir.
Police: Just come to our post please.
Me: Fine.

At the post police

Me: I have done no wrong, Sir.
Police: Just hear me out, OK. Imagine what happens if the car at the right most lane wants to turn right while you’re trying to make a U-Turn.

He then made a little imaginary sketch to try to emphasize his point:

(Materializing the sketch for your convenience)

Me: Ahh, Kaboom, Sir!
Police: YES, that’s right! (He seemed so relieved that my tiny stubborn brain can finally understand his point)
Me: Well, sir, I really didn’t mean to break the law. I really didn’t know.
Police: Fine, well, can you come to the court on the xxth to go on a trial and pay the fine?
Me: To the court, Sir?
Police: Yes, to the court? Will you be able to attend?
Me: Well, I would be working on that day, Sir. Can’t you just let me go with warning, Sir? I really didn’t have any intention to break the law.

(using my Shrek's cat's innocent eyes technique)

Police: Haha, no, I can’t do that. So, will you be able to attend, Mam?
Me: Well, Sir, as I’ve said, I will be working on that day. Is there any other option, Sir?
Police: Well, no, you have to come and attend the trial. So, what shall we do now?
Me: I don’t know, Sir. Can’t you tell me what other options I have?
Police: Well, if you want to, I can help pay the fine for you. So you don’t have to go to the court yourself.
Me: Ahh, yes, Sir. That would be great.
Police: Well, here’s the chart. Based on your violation, you will have to pay Rp. 40.000,-.
Me: Hmm, can’t you put me on a very light violation category, Sir? The one that only costs Rp. 25.000,-? As I’ve said, I really didn’t know that it was against the law, Sir.
Police: Haha, no, I can’t.
Me: Well … I don’t have an exact change. I only have Rp. 50.000,-, Sir.
Police: Well, I don’t have any change for that.
Me: That’s fine, I guess.
Police: Alright then, here’s your driver license and registration.
Me: Thank you, Sir!
Police: Drive safe!
Me: OK, Sir!

Wow, I was blown away. Not only that they were not asking for bribes, they were being helpful and offered assistance to pay my fine.

Maybe we don’t have to be number one on this corruption thingy. The title can be all yours to keep Jakarta! I'd rather have a clean and helpful government.

But wait, they didn’t write down my driver license number or any other data. How can they pay the fine for me? Oh, they must have written it quickly while I wasn’t paying any attention.

Yes… that must be it.

Disclaimer: The writer is a law abiding citizen who is repulsed by the idea of corruption and bribery. Any part of this post that indicates an action of bribing by the writer must be considered as a fiction only.

*grin*

Between Bond and the Mafia

Quantum of Solace left me unsatisfied. As entertaining as it was, I felt like I'm watching a modern action movie the likes of Bourne rather than watching a Bond franchise.

I think Ebert captured my sentiment precisely. Where's the absurd gadget? Where's the cool detachment? This Bond is so thirsty of blood and so serious most of the times.

The only redeeming factor is watching some creative ads placements in the movie. M applying Avon Lotion while on the phone with Bond is one of the funny moments in the film. Another good one is Bond checking in to the luxury hotel by pretending that he's a teacher who just won a lottery (ads for UK National Lottery).

All in all, I may like Bond better if it's not because of this scene:

Yeah, you there missy, you're bothering me.

Seriously, is it even remotely possible to walk on the dessert barefoot and still maintain that brooding look?

Don't you feel the slightest bit of burning sensation on your feet from walking on hot sands?

Don't you feel any pain from stepping on the rocks?

This scene bothers me so much that I couldn't fully concentrate for the rest of the film.


Anyway, I wouldn't even talk about Bond had I not seen this news. Carabinieri Police has seized a cellphone pistol that belongs to a mafia boss.


Now, doesn't it sound wrong when people in real life uses wackier gadget than Bond? Granted the cell phone's look is not something to brag about. It actually reminds me of a big good old cellphone used by Hongkong mafias in the 90's movies.

However, what lacks in design is paid off in its feature. Whenever you feel like shooting someone, just press 5-8 and four .22 caliber rounds will fire in quick succession. To reload, just slide the cellphone in the middle and place the ammunition.

Someone even came up with the illustration of how this cellphone gun works. I guess, anything to help fellow earth inhabitants to reproduce this fine piece of machine.


By the way, if someone is really going to build a newer version of this, can you please make it look slicker? Bond might like to order one for the next sequel.

Little House

The owner has lived here for more than 10 years. She allowed me to take some pictures and asked me to excuse her house for being so ugly. I said that it was a lovely house and she smiled :)

6 years old

This weekend, my mom and I went to Giant hypermarket for some grocery shopping. Why? Because we are Indonesians and Giant has told us that Giant is the place to shop for Indonesians (Giant: Tempat Berbelanja orang Indonesia).

It didn't hit me until I was there that this was a big mistake. Usually we go to Bonnet, a nice medium sized supermarket nearby our house, filled with all things we need and some things we may want. Hypermarket such as Giant introduces its visitors to a bazillion of things that we never think we need or want. There were more aisles to explore and my mom seemed to determine to get to know each aisles and the products it offered.

Aisle 1: Hello, may I offer you a nice new set of spoons with a reduced price? Or how about this salad bowl that will surely become the talk of the guest?
Mom: You know Me (my nickname), I think we need extra spoons. And look at that beautiful salad bowl!

Aisle 2: Good afternoon Mam, can I introduce you to this efficient and modern 2 piece drawer? And how about a rattan basket that will look good at every room in your house?
Mom: Me, hold on! Check out this cute drawer. Oh, the rattan basket is nice too, don't you think?

After 30 minutes and 2 aisles later, I got all fidgety and decided to wander around the place myself. As always is the case, I gravitated toward my favorite aisle, the snack aisle.

Hmm, snacks. Let's see, let's have some Chitato potato chips. What flavors should I have? Why don't we just grab one each peyo? Great idea self! BBQ, Roasted Chicken, Cheese, and Plain. Nyum.

What else, what else? Well hello Chiki! Only chocolate flavor but that will do. And oh, Chic-Choc Chocolate Biscuit Balls, heavenly! And don't forget, when you're on a break, you need Kit Kat! Let's grab several of those since I'm on a break a lot of times. And my oh my, they have Beng-Beng Peanut Butter! Slurpilicious!

The pile of snacks on my hands went higher and higher and it became harder for me to see my surroundings. So, I decided that I had enough of snacks to last for a week and started to look for my mom's grocery cart. That's called self-control people!

While I was on my way, I overheard a little discussion between a mother and her 6-year-old little boy.

Kiddo: Mom, can I have Jet-Z please? I want the plastic toy inside of it! Please, mommy, please?
Mom: No kiddo, you'll get sore throat. Plus, you'll get bored with the toys and leave it scattered all over the house.
Kiddo: Mom, how about this Panda Bear cookies? Can I have this, my dear Mommy?
Mom: No kiddo, no snacks for now, it's raining season and I don't want you to get sick.
Kiddo: *pouting* Mommmyyyyyyyyyy .....

As I walked passed the mother and the boy, the boy looked at me and my pile of treasures longingly. I pretended that I wasn't aware of the vehement envious stare while I inadvertently released a small snicker.

Poor sucker, you'll need to wait at least 10 years before you can have your own unprohibited snack binge.

As soon as I realized that I was schadenfreude*-ing over the misery of a little boy, I felt very bad.

Maybe I'm not ready for motherhood as yet.

This is not such a bad conclusion since I'm in no way near of being a mother. First, I need to find a boyfriend, and manage to fool him to marry me. I also need to convince my mother of the ridiculousness of a big wedding. Not to mention finding the perfect house equipped with a large TV and awesome sounding speakers. A big and beautiful book and CD cabinet is a must. And last but not least, a fast computer with TeraBytes storage capacity and high speed internet. What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, motherhood and babies.

I finally found my mother held captured at the stationary aisle. I put all of my snacks inside the cart and sat and waited. Another 45 minutes have passed, and I started to get hungry. It's one o'clock pm.

Me: Mom, could you please hurry up? I'm hungry...
Mom: But I've only visited a few aisles.
Me: Well mom, if you had spent less time at each aisle, we would have visited every inch of this building by now.
Mom: Just a minute Me, I need to buy some oatmeal, frying oil, bread, milk, shampoo, .... *the list goes on*
Me: Oh my gosh, Mommyyyyyyyyyy .... *pouting*

That's when it dawned on me. Not only that I'm not ready for a motherhood, I'm still, at present, acting like a 6 years old myself.

Well done self. Well done.


Note:
*Schadenfreude: enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others.

Who am I?

Hasn't everyone asked this question at some point in their lives?

Who am I? Where is my place in this world? What is the purpose of my life?

Well, thankfully for my sisters and I, we have our beloved mother who seems to know exactly who we are. In fact, she knows us very well, that she can give a succinct yet thorough description of each of us to any strangers with willing ears.

Meeting a client at a wedding?

The little one? Oh, she's studying abroad at states now. She majors in animation. She never had any formal study at art before, but she managed to get into a Top 10 art school in U.S. What can I say, she loves to draw since she was a kid.

Meeting an old friend at a funeral?

Well, my oldest daughter is in the states now. She received her PhD from Princeton. Now she's taking a postdoc at Harvard, Boston. Yes, she's very smart. She's always been no.1 at school since kindergarten.

Meeting a distant relative at a family gathering?

Oh, hi, this is my second daughter (pointing at me). She used to study at Madison. After she graduated, she worked for 2 years in Minneapolis. She went back last year to accompany us.

So it goes, my mom has an elevator pitch for each one of her children. Mine is the most boring one sadly. Usually the following conversation follows:

Stranger: Madison, Minneapolis? Where are those?
Me: They're near Chicago.
Stranger: Ahhh, Chicago, yes, yes. So, why did you go back? Isn't it nicer there?
Me: Ha... Ha... Ha... *awkward* Actually, no, I think both US and Indonesia are nice.
Mom: Well, my other children are in the states now, so she went back to be with us.
Stranger: Ah, yes, yes, of course.

Regardless where the direction of the conversation goes, my mom already has answers ready for any questions thrown to her. Any questions but one.

So, how many of your daughters have gotten married?

Bam! You can see her face expression changes from a glowing pride to a worried concern.

None yet.

Short with no explanation. So atypical of her. This translates to a code yellow for me.

Alert peyo, the forbidden topic has been touched and discussed. Be careful with what you say and do.

As if this isn't already bad enough, some of these strangers manage to hit my mom's central nerves when they start to takeover the bragging business.

Ah, I see. All of my children have gotten married. The last one got married 3 months ago. I'm so relieved now, no more burden. Now I can just relax and play with my grandchildren.

Tongue tied, my mom usually manages to mumble some insincere reply.

Ah yes... that's very nice... Congratulations.

When this happens, it only translates to one thing for me.

CODE RED ALERT! CODE RED ALERT! Stay away from the dangerous object. Keep a safe distance until danger has subsided. This may take 3-7 days, depending on the level of radiation. Do not attempt to trigger anything that may cause unwanted reaction and extended regrets.

So anyway, it seems that, no matter who you are, through the lens of Chinese Indonesian community, the only thing that matters is your marriage status.

If you're married, you're a worthy human being. If you're still single, well Missy, you're nothing but a worthless junk.

Such is the hard case of life.

A story about a boy and a girl

There was a boy and there was a girl.

The girl lived in the big city and lived a colorful life, filled with jazz, dance and parties. The boy lived in a smaller city and lived a simple life, filled with true friends and endless laughter.

The boy and the girl met by the game of badminton. They played together and soon they exchanged stories and laughs together. The boy fell hard for the girl. Alas, the girl's feeling was not the same.

The girl was already fallen to another boy in the big city. She was smittened by his suave dancing skill, smooth talk, and charming personality. Not long after, they became a couple.

The boy was crushed but he couldn't let her go. He knew that the big city boy was just playing with her heart. He talked to her family and found out that they had the same concern as him.

Finally from the words of mouth, her family found out that the big city boy was courting a much older lady. A lady who was rich and prominent in the city. The family set the girl up so she would see the affair with her own eyes.

She was devastated. At that moment, her family told the boy to propose to her. She was too weak to refuse.

The boy promised to love her with all his heart and he never swayed from his promise. It was not long before the girl was touched by the love and kindness of the boy. She finally loved him with all of her heart as well.

They lived a simple and quite life. They were not rich in the material sense, but they had each others love to make their lives felt rich and complete. As time goes by, they became a father and a mother and later, a grandfather and a grandmother.

A few years ago, the girl was feeling a bit unwell. She checked herself up and found out that she had a breast cancer. After a long cry on her drive home, she made the decision not to go on a medication nor to tell her family and relatives.

You see, her husband's recent foot surgery cost a fortune and her children were not in the best financial state yet. Not only that, she was afraid that her husband would worry sick and lose his health as well.

So she kept her silence. She only broke the news to one of her colleagues at work. The colleague was sworn not to tell anyone. Around Chinese New Year this year, the colleague could no longer keep her promise and told the situation to the girl's sister.

The sister gave the news to the boy. He was furious and sad. He begged her to go on a medication but she refused. The girl became very skinny. The cancer has already spread to the bones, and later to the lung.

Throughout this time, the boy was always on her side. Fed her, bathed her, accompanied her. Sometimes he cried, but he tried to maintain a strong appearance in front of her.

One morning, she could not wake up from her sleep. The relatives swarmed by, trying to come into acceptance that the time has come for the girl to go. The Hymn for Life was playing all day long.

Later that night, the boy gained enough courage to whisper to his girl that she could leave him and the children. The priest gave her the final prayer and she passed away.

After 42 years, the boy is now without the love of his life on his side.

In my life time, never have I seen someone who loves another human being as much as my uncle loves my aunt.

Farewell my dear aunt. You will always be remembered.